Defying darkness

There are times when we have to walk a path on our journey that may not be exactly what we would have chosen. Those paths, though difficult, may be exactly what we need and exactly what we don't want, but through experience I have learned there is purpose in every step we take.

Almost six years ago I started down a path that, at the time, was a blessing for our family. We truly needed the opportunity and felt it was perfectly timed. What I hadn't realized was how much this opportunity would engulf me on so many different levels. Within days of  beginning I realized snakes live and function in dens that serve as offices, being in daily contact with toxic people who lacked faith and believed the lies they told was taxing and that evil propagated evil, fear and hopelessness. Immediately I focused internally to protect myself and still help provide for my family. Quickly I lost joy, peace, became a ghost to my faith and allowed the environment to alter my focus on what was truly good. I began navigating this narrow, treacherous path through what seemed like a deep, dark and wicked woods.

At the beginning, light from my previous life permeated the darkness. Eventually, the longer I stayed and the deeper into the woods I traveled, the more difficult it was for the light to reach me. One day it disappeared altogether. I navigated this new trail as best as I could, understanding immediately that it was not a safe and happy environment.  Daily I stumbled, tripped, and fell, evil surrounding me and advancing at every opportunity. What appeared to be safe would oftentimes be a trap; a wolf in sheep's clothing. I learned to trust nobody. The traps and lies would be so deep and covered with saccharin smiles.  Often I would find myself at  the bottom surrounded by insects and vermin. With a strong will I would claw my way out, fighting lies with truth and darkness with hope. I was under constant attack with stones being launched from every direction, at times being ambushed and wondering if I had entered a different realm or dimension.  Truth was non-existent, lies were commonplace and pleasure was gained every time I was attacked. On the outside everything looked normal.

At times I was completely surrounded, the darkness and evil oppressive. The longer I stayed on the path the deeper and darker the woods became.  My only hope was someday I would reach the end and be able to exit this venomous situation. Each day I struggled to wake up and take another step in that darkness, my personal light growing dimmer by the second. I would cling to the light of hope and belief, focusing on the current need for our family. Everyday presented new challenges and I was never sure when the next snake would strike or the next web would block my path. I fought back  and stayed true to myself, not reaching into their under-realm of lies and deceit. On the darkest of days there was no forward progress. I would steel myself trying to deflect the constant barrage of evil; the words, the lies, the laziness. I shouldered the toxicity protecting those who looked to me from the hostile environment. I despised this path, but if I protected them they wouldn't see what I see or feel what I felt. They would wake up each day and enjoy the journey.

Days passed and the path seemed eternal. In the darkness I was losing who I was.The joy, the laughter and the smiles that used to be a natural occurrence disappeared.  I existed. I functioned, doing all of the things I needed to do as a mom and wife, but light no longer reached my heart. My only thought was the next step. At times the evil was so twisted I would doubt my sanity, doubt the things I logically knew to be true and doubt who I was. The environment was winning. Everywhere I looked I saw twisted, gnarled trees with black leaves. Serpents, ravens, vultures, ogres and witches lined the path to wage war. No light filtered through the blackness. The shrieking cry of the raven, the high pitch of hornets and the shrouded shuffling of unknown creatures were the only sounds.  Absent was the warmth of the sun, the blue of the sky, the melody of birdsong and the calming sight of warm furry creatures. Day after day and year after year I continued. My eyes and heart adjusted to the unhappiness. Days that seemed better would be quickly marred by more deceit, more lies and more evil.

The true test of faith is believing there is a way out even if you can't see it. Believing light will always defy darkness I stayed focused, navigating the path and hoping to find a way out.  Even the smallest pinprick of light in the deepest darkest ocean can dispel some of the darkness. I clung to that thought. Family discussions began about a finding a different path and getting to the end of this one. It seemed such a tiny glimmer in these woods of despair, not even enough to light the home of a gnat, but it was light. It seemed as soon as we had those discussions the attacks strengthened. Thorn bushes weaved in and over the path. The lies increased and every opportunity was taken to misrepresent anything to do with me. The evil was doing its best to block out the light.  But that simple glimmer helped and I pushed back harder. I fought the lies, deflected the personal attacks with nominal damage. The difficult part with evil is that pushing back increases the anger. Efforts were doubled, tripled and even quadrupled in the strongest attempt to blot out hope and to subdue anything but evil. The venom was cast, striking hard and true. The desire to succumb and just accept was overwhelming.  My mind can't comprehend those thought processes; the desire to lie, the altered state of reality, the hatred and the deceit. I was so tired and didn't know if I had the strength to combat any more. The attacks through the woods become more vicious! The path was littered with pitfalls, traps and tangled roots designed to trip me.  Trees pulled at my hair and clothing.  Words were cast as ferociously as stones. Everything was filled with anger and hate, but for the first time in years my spirit was lighter.

These woods had an end. The same path that led me to these woods would lead me out and away from these people and this situation. Hope shone brighter than any beacon and gave me strength and freedom. The path became more twisted and treacherous the closer I got to the end. Even with hope, or maybe because of the hope the battle seemed more difficult to wage. It could be done. One day through the cold, dank darkness I felt the warmth and beauty of sunlight, something I had missed for so long. One simple decision fought through to grow the glimmer into a simple and beautiful ray of warmth and sunshine. My eyes closed and the heat sank into my skin, giving energy and recharging my spirit. Blinking my eyes I felt a fraction of the veil of darkness lift. The path was still treacherous, evil lurked and darkness still held court, but the woods were not as thick.

Light and hope carries so much more power than darkness. A single candle will defy the  darkness and bring light to an entire room.  I felt my inner light chasing the shadows, reminding me of what used to be and what will be again. I felt the power of a simple smile, a simple touch and even the smallest measure of joy and kindness seeping back into my consciousness. I knew I would not only find the end of the path, but would emerge on the other side stronger, wiser and empowered. My responses to the lies became bolder, I pushed hard and refused to let the darkness accumulate.  The light erased the poison and fought the negativity. Hope continued to burgeon!  The shroud of evil began to break to be replaced by the armor of hope.

It is now so close to the end. I have seen patches of blue sky and if I am still and quiet I can hear the beautiful melody of a song bird above the shriek of the raven and the angry buzz of the hornets. My knees are bloodied and scarred, my eyes bloodshot, skin pale and bruises discolor my heart and mind. As with all bruises these will heal and disappear. Darkness continues to lift day by day. Joy and celebration of simple things becomes familiar once again.  I am now within the final quarter mile of being out of the woods.  Gnarled and dark has given way to straight, tall and leafy.  The path is now dappled with sunlight and I can see cute furriness up ahead. There have been days that the snaking tendrils of evil defy the sunlight, wrap around my ankles and try to yank me back. My knees hurt and my fingers bleed, but I refuse to be pulled back in grasping the roots that once tripped me. I kick and respond on the offensive determined they will feel the sting of the truth and feel the pain of their lies.

In truth, it doesn't matter, though, I will break free and not look back. The lessons are learned and I choose to celebrate the upcoming victory. This part of my journey is almost finished, only days remain and on the final day I will rejoice and celebrate. I will shake off any lingering evil and darkness and will not look back. My smile is quicker now, my heart is lighter and my soul once again feels warmth. There are no regrets for this path. Sometimes, it is necessary to spend time in the darkness. Only with darkness can we truly celebrate the light.

Mountain ride

Clouds rolled and thunder barked in the distance. Mountains broke the horizon with evergreens providing jagged texture against the smooth blue-grey. Trees swayed beside the trails as eagles surfed the growing gales.  The mountains bore the deep green beauty of late summer. Yellow, purple and white wild flowers jutted up between sharp rocks, worn trails and tall grass.  Laughs and bits of conversation were captured in the deep foliage of the woods as rubber tires attacked the path. Tree roots twisted and turned providing an interesting and, at times, harrowing ascent or descent.  The peek-a-boo sun disappeared altogether behind a wall of threatening clouds. The once blue sky transitioned to charcoal and black.  The forest, sensing the storm was quiet as tires raced through. Labored breathing occasionally broke the silence as hills were scaled. The sharp ping of a rock as it shot between the spokes sounded foreign.  A deer watched silently from the curtain of trees, not concerned but curious.  As the riders slowed, the doe slipped quietly further into the cover of trees and dense growth. The threat of the summer storm was imminent.  Pausing, the riders listened as thunder cracked through the heavens, much closer than when they had arrived.  The next fork in the trail provided the opportunity to change directions.  As if to hasten their return the wind increased and trees began to whip sharply through air.  The clouds stacked up blotting out all blue sky. Tires crunched and gears clicked as riders raced up and down hills.  Rocks and boulders scored the path causing small, deep ravines and mini cliffs.  Riders were silent as they navigated; eyes watching, legs burning and lungs working.  Through drops, turns, hills and narrow paths the trail finally opened up to a little more light and a groomed trail.  The flat path was simple and easy to maneuver, allowing laughter and conversation to resume.  Around the fence and into the lot the riders finished.  The squeak of a tailgate was lost in the burgeoning wind.  There was a sense of urgency as the first of the clouds' fat tears hit the ground.  Quickly bikes were loaded and riders piled in..  As the pickup backed out the wind lashed out and the clouds opened up releasing their sorrow.  Tears splashed the ground, and windshield, quickly wetting the road.  The riders smiled, making their way back down. The cab of the truck was quiet as the wipers kept time with the tears, riders relaxed and full after the mountain ride.