The early morning air was almost warm; just shy of 40 degress. It was glorious considering the temperature during my recent runs has been between below zero and 20 degrees. Darkness spanned the sky, broken by thousands of stars. My body felt free without the weight of winter running gear.
My tracker clicked on and music filled my body. Glancing over my shoulder I crossed the street and my legs anxiously stretched out. I was in my happy place. My body and mind were at peace. The last few months have been full of discussions, decisions and changes. I began to think about the impact running has had on my life, especially during these times of stress and indecision.
Running has always been part of my life, but only within the last five years have I enjoyed the quiet personal reflection and introspection during longer runs. As a solo, early morning runner I am blessed with plenty of time and almost no distractions to just think and be. My mind has wandered, thinking about everything, nothing and anything in between. Running in the darkness of predawn, music streaming through my earbuds, the solace of my feet kissing the pavement and the beauty of nearly pure solitude has helped me learn who I am and more who I am meant to be.
Personal discipline was already part of who I was, but it was tested and honed each morning, rising early to run when it would have been easier to stay in bed. I showed up by myself in all types of weather not for a prize or medal, but for who I was becoming. The only accountability was to myself. I learned to push my body to the very limits and back, crossing the pain threshold and finding the incredible strength within. Each step, each mile, each new morning gave me belief, courage, hope and understanding. It became easier to love who I saw in the mirror each day and to realize how incredibly strong we all are. Sometimes our strength is hidden, buried under societal limitations and fear.
My body became stronger as did my mind. Miles from the house I would wage internal wars on finishing the run or throwing in the towel and calling for a ride. Those days my body would be tired, my lungs ached, my feet hurt and my mind would battle. I would justify and make excuses to stop with each stride. The desire to quit would be overwhelming, but I learned to fight; to the next house, the next light, the next block. If I quit I knew there would be supporters, those that would help validate the excuses to keep me comfortable. I forced myself to push past comfortable. During the final strides of the run I would feel powerful and victorious; not a victory recognized on a podium, but one felt deeply in my soul.
I gained courage and strength to be a confident and unapologetic individual. Each day this journey continues to lead me to the courage buried deep within each of us; courage to be the woman God created; courage to boldly make descisions outside of the comfort zone; courage to use the gifts I was blessed with; courage to be an individual and courage to soar above the flocks.
The lessons and enlightenment have helped navigate many difficult decisions. The last few months have held stress, discussions, pros, cons and the need to understand what course my life needed to take. It seemed to be a battle of comfort and fear. The comfortable path held people and situations that have been part of my life for many, many years. Although comfort doesn't always mean happy it does provide a sense of security. You may not be happy, but you know the players, you know the situations and there is always somebody to commiserate with. Why rock the boat after so many years? Why step away from something that shaped my life? Wouldn't it be like throwing away the years invested by leaving now? These were all valid questions, but my thoughts took me to the lessons of my run. Society craves comfortable, making it almost too easy to be comfortable and miserable than to be uncomfortable and aspiring. I found myself strapped in an environment where individuality and personal growth took a back seat to culture and acquiescence. Years ago my needs were different and now I am different.
There are many people who wouldn't understand, others who would write me off and others who couldn't even grasp why. Fear circled, but it was centered in knowing there will be backlash for the decision to change. Breaking out of the flock, thinking a different thought or challenging a group thought causes fear to those who are comfortable. Individuality is not comfortable and society is afraid of individuality. Where does the courage to change take you? Courage can take you beyond the strappings of society, beyond the mundane and the comfort of the hamster wheel. You stop trying to live in possibilities and begin to make possibilities your reality.
As my feet danced along the pavement I felt courage ride through my body. Tackling the hills, striding the flats and letting gravity take control on the downgrade, I felt my body fill with joy. Each step of my training, each early morning and each run in inclement weather has taught me courage and in moments like this the abillity to use that courage to find the better, happier and truer me. The final push to the end felt good. My lungs labored and my muscles ached, but I am thankful. My music stopped and I breathed in the morning air. Stars twinkled at me and I felt the burden and stress release. The decision was already made. It was time to shed the shackles and soar on courageous wings.
