January 1st and the start of a new year. Typically my day would have begun with winking stars and inky black skies just hours after the ball dropped, but today was different. The severe cold had me waiting until the temperature warmed up. The sun was making it's descent in the western sky when I finally donned my running gear. It was a change of pace sharing my run with a very active town. The temperature, hovering around 3 degrees, felt like a heat wave. The last few runs had been -12 and below, making 3 degrees feel warm and comfortable. A thrill tingled through my body as I started my new Garmin, an amazing gift from my boys. Starting the year by shedding my typical paraphenalia of smartphone in an armband, Fitbit, ancient Ipod and wired earbuds seemed appropriate. My body felt light and free and the OCD in my personality was excited the new Garmin would have it's maiden voyage on January 1st. It was going to be a quick 4.5 miles, knowing I would run another 13 miles in less than 12 hours.
The sun graced my face as music flowed through my earbuds. My body today was more in tune to the rhythm rather than the run. Sensing my mood, my playlist was upbeat and rocking. Excitement raced through me as I started my watch and my shoes began dancing with the pavement. Taking off my mind circled thoughts that have occupied my conscience over the past few weeks. Undeniably I have been on a journey of change, growth and healing; the first day of the new year seemed a perfect time to evaluate the continued evolution. Finding my stride I thought about growth and realized true growth meant recognizing and accepting the woman I am and the one I'm becoming. We are not meant to stay the same, but to grow, believe, take chances, live, not just exist and learn to be uncomfortable. When we are uncomfortable is when growth begins.
As these ideas filtered, my eyes danced over details of my route that are often obscured in the early morning darkness. The route is inherently the same as are the houses and yards, but different details are highlighted in the depth of the night versus late afternoon. People are virtually the same, revealing more during the quiet of an early morning or a late night. True vulnerability is exposed when parts we would rather keep hidden are shown in sharp relief without the distraction of the sun or the chatter of a busy life. We are fearful in solitude, but just as I see beauty in sleeping houses, quiet yards and dark streets our greatest beauty lies in the deep, quiet and defenseless moments. Without the chatter we are free to embrace the powerful, incredible individual that lies dormant within. We are challenged to become unapologetically us.
One of the most important and most diffficult steps has been recognizing and embracing who I am, the person I'm becoming and the person I long to be. I need to accept every aspect of me. You see, I am flawed and make mistakes daily. I do not meet people's expectations or their vision of me. I make people uncomfortable by hiking a less traveled path, refusing to follow the sheep, choosing to be disciplined and by boldly speaking my thoughts. In truth there are so many things I'm not that I fall short on numerous levels. I've learned, though, my lack is greatest when I measure my worth based on other's expectations.
As music raced through my veins I tackled a steep hill and felt powerful. This path has taught me empowerment and peace come from within. To reach the truest definition of success and our greatest potential we must not only accept who we are, but celebrate it. We must celebrate the differences that make us individuals.
Fear barricades the path to individual growth. Recently "society" has pushed to remove individuality, corralling people into convenient groups in the guise of celebrating individuality. People are categorized based on political affiliation, what school their children attend, what travel team they are on, what neighborhood they live and many other descriptors. These classifications come with blanket statements that are not true representations of the individuals unceremoniously lumped together. To further eliminate the celebration of unique gifts and push toward mass mediocrity society has begun to remove anything perceived as celebrating one person over another. Students who are good at math or athletics can't be celebrated in fear that someone not good at math or athletics will feel badly. The playing field must remain static without the pain and lessons of winning and losing. In many cases, though, the elimination is lopsided favoring one groups desires over another.
The Presidential and National Fitness Awards used to be presented to elementary students when my kiddos were in grade school. Schools would test different levels of physical fitness and based on how a student performed they could earn National or Presidential honors. After initial testing, the P.E. teacher at my boys' school gave students numerous opportunities during recess, lunch, before and after school to practice and re-test if they weren't happy with their results. My boys always made the personal decision to work tirelessly to reach the Presidential level, giving up lunch hours and recesses. My youngest struggled one year with the mile and re-ran it 4 or 5 times to finally reach Presidential. Each year was difficult but they learned discipline, tenacity, persistence, hard work and how to set and reach goals. The fitness awards were not for everyone, but they offered an arena to excel and a place to be recognized for those students with a gift for athleticism. Many schools are now choosing not to offer fitness awards, stating they are unfair and hurt the feelings of children who didn't earn the award. In an effort to appease one group the schools are squelching the individuality of another.
The Wright brothers, Albert Einstein, Steve Jobs, Bill Gates, Mark Zuckerburg, Thomas Jefferson, Henry Ford, Alexander Graham Bell, Rosa Parks and Kenny Sailors are all examples of incredible pioneers who, with quiet grace and dignity, embraced their unique beliefs and ingenuity. They didn't force others to believe what they did, they didn't follow the crowd, nor did they incite hate against those who saw things in a different light. They were respectfully unapologetic in being themselves and simply embraced their individuality. It wasn't easy, as soaring never is, but their impact on current society is unparalleled. Without the courage to embrace their power, where would society be today?
My heart races faster than the run dictates as I think about the absolute terror of being an individual. Breaking from the societal norm has consequences. Speaking my mind, following my dreams and working for a life beyond mere existence opens me up to harsh criticisms and sometimes being labeled with horrible, hateful names. With that lingering fear it is understandable why so many quietly disappear into the folds of "individual groups."
I believe we all desire something different, but succumb to the false sense of strength and power bolstered by groups. We convince ourselves the true pain and fear lie outside of the group and continue to allow single loud voices to puppet our actions, even if we don't agree with those voices. The fear epidemic is great, transforming strong, courageous, self sufficient, successful people, to disinterested, unhappy, angry and unsettled masses. Fear keeps us in the masses and lashes out when someone decides to step out and away. Why does this cause fear? Why are people attacked when they choose to think for themselves, respectfully disagree with a different point of view, break from the crowd or buck the status quo?
Crossing an intersection I begin a gradual downhill section allowing my pulse to return to a beat that matches my feet. I think about fear as relax in my stride and allow gravity to do the work for me. Stepping away from the crowd forces those left to assess their lives and personal decisions. Evaluation can become painful when we are quasi-comfortable. It is almost effortless to be unhappy and, with the full support of the misery loves company crowd, we make excuses, become victims of fate and convince ourselves life has nothing more to offer. Fear keeps us from taking the step towards personal greatness and justifies attacking those who break away.
Embracing individuality forces us to take responsibility for the good in our lives as well as our bad decisions. It has become common to remove personal responsibility, play the victim and adjust complete societies to maintain group thinking and avoid all that encompasses individuality. If I sit down and eat entire bags of chips, don't exercise, become a couch potato, watch Hallmark channel all day and gain weight, the consequences of those actions are my fault. It's not the chip manufacturer's fault for putting a fatty, less than healthy snack in a big bag. It's not someone else's fault because I choose not to be disciplined. It's not the weather's fault because its cold outside to exercise. It's not Hallmark's fault for running movie marathons nor is it the furniture company's fault for making an extremely comfortable sofa. Embracing who we are means we take responsibility and own our decisions good and bad without blaming others. Tremendous power lies in taking responsibility for our actions.
In the final mile of my run I weigh the cost of giving into the fear versus forging ahead to become unapologetically me. Straightening my shoulders I vow to continue my own journey and by doing that I accept and celebrate who I am. But in truth, who am I?
I'm a child at heart with no reason to change. I love Disney, Disney movies, Disney vacations and Disney runs. I believe in the magic and true meaning of Christmas, but still faithfully look for the bright red glow of Rudolf's nose on Christmas Eve while tracking Santa's route on Norad. I believe in fairies, elves, dragons and mermaids, carefully watching for them during hikes and outdoor adventures.
Running isn't always easy, but it feeds my soul. During early morning runs I say hi and good morning to every furry creature I see. I smile and wave to the local police officers who have to be up that early. I talk to the stars and play tag with the moon. I pray and thank God for each falling star and for each step I am blessed to take. I run because I love it. I don't cut weight, diet or eliminate food groups. I try to be healthy but enjoy a Mountain Dew daily and have a sweet tooth. I believe in drinking water, moderation and exercise and that life is too short not to eat the brownie, cupcake or cookie.
I hurt deeply when children, adults and animals are purposefully hurt and abused. My heart aches with their pain and I want nothing more than to make it better. I believe children are an incredible gift and love being a momma more than just about anything. My boys make my heart sing every single day.
I don't usually cry nor am I outwardly emotional, but I still hurt deeply. I handle pain inwardly and very seldom allow it to reach my eyes. If I cry and I'm not watching a sappy Budweiser or Hallmark commercial I usually have a pretty good reason.
I am an extreme introvert and people terrify me. Large groups and meetings exhaust me and I usually need time to myself to recover. I am painfully shy but have taught myself, out of necessity, to work around that shyness. I struggle striking up conversations and abhor small talk. I am comfortable riding in a car for hours and not saying a word. In general I don't trust people, but still try to believe and look for the best. If I tell you I love you, it is because I do. Nothing is guaranteed and I would rather you know you carry a special place in my heart. I am a loyal friend and will have your back. I tend to give people more chances than they deserve when they are continuously rude and treat me carelessly. I sense when life is happening for people around me and try quietly to lift their day. I don't like overt attention, but appreciate a quiet thank you.
I try to be positive, but sometimes fall into despair when doubt creeps in. I look for and find joy in the simplest things; the sound of bees buzzing, the beauty of a snowflake, the laughter of friends. I refuse to follow the crowd, regardless of the situation, just because it is the "in thing." People earn my respect based on the type of person they are and how they treat everyone not based on a title, how much money they make or where they live. I'm a hugger and believe hugs are a universal language that can melt away stress.
I am smart, can process new concepts easily and love to learn. I am extremely logical but temper it with my passion. I think for myself, do my research and try not to blindly regurgitate general information. Writing is my passion and my gift. I know soon my books will be dog-eared and tattered in book bags, on nightstands and in briefcases waiting to transport someone from the daily grind.
I work hard and believe I'm capable of reaching whatever goal I set. I believe in hard work, taking responsibility for my actions and doing more than is required. I despise confrontation, but will stand up if I believe something is wrong. I won't tell you what you want to hear, but will give you the truth in a sweet way. I am uncomfortable leading and organizing, but am more uncomfortable when things aren't accomplished. I love competition, like to win, and will always view myself as my stiffest competition.
Turning the corner I increase the pace for the final 100 meters. Smiling I simply tap my watch to turn off the tracker. The run felt great and my head is ready to tackle the new year. I am flawed, will continue to make mistakes and will battle fear, but I am becoming unapologetically me.
