Every day I am thankful for the gift of being a parent. My children are not perfect and as parents we are not even close to perfect. We have weathered sleepless nights, stays in the hospital, attitude, scrapes, bruises, firsts and lasts. There were moments when we had to make the difficult parent decisions and discipline when it would have been easier to let something slide. I have shed quiet tears in the back of my closet when I was overwhelmed with being a parent, when I didn't think I could take one more sassy comment or when my heart hurt because my kiddo had been hurt by life. The desire to protect was so strong, but we knew that protecting them from everything would not prepare them for the life's curveballs. Our kids have eaten dirt and bugs, have put their mouths on shopping cart handles and lived. They drank out of the garden hose, have ridden their bikes all over town, without a parental tail and have traveled internationally without Mom and Dad . They have had conversations with teachers about grades and made difficult decisions about friends. When they have been hurt, or when everything didn't work out the way they hoped my heart ached. I wanted so badly to make it better, to fix the wrong, but I offered love and support and walked them through how best to deal with the dissappointment. Life isn't fair and it doesn't always work out the way we want. It is just as important to know how to lose as it is to know how to win.
Our lives changed drastically when we decided to have kids. We went from almost six years as DINKS (dual income, no kids) to having a little person who was now solely our responsibility. Gone were Sunday afternoons devoted to NASCAR and long naps, last minute road trips, late night drinks and dancing with friends as well as many other little things that were part of our lives. We have always tried to do our best, but parenting does not come with a guide book. Plenty of advice was given along with condemnation from those who believed we were doing it wrong, We shared plenty of laughter and tears. In the end our hope is to love our children, no matter what; provide a safe and happy home to grow in; celebrate the small moments as those are the moments that matter and raise them to be good, strong, faithful, independent, healthy members of society. 18 years is such a short time to have them close, love on them and help them develop their wings.
Raising our boys we expected them to be kind, compassionate, think for themselves and always give their best effort. We tried to set a good example for them to follow. Part of setting that example was letting our kids understand we are not perfect parents and have and will continue to make mistakes in all aspects of life. We don't try to make mistakes they are simply part of life and perfection is unattainable. The most important lesson is to not make the same mistakes twice and to learn from the ones you have made. We expect their best effort always, and taught them to take responsibility for their effort and the choices they make. We didn't helicopter parent; jumping in when things weren't just right, trying to pave a perfect path; doing things for them they could do themselves. We taught them to be self sufficient and to take responsibility for the decisions they make. They have made mistakes, learned from them and will continue to do so.
As parents we never answered with, "Because I said so." I remember when the boys were little we were strict on bedtime. We created a routine, bath, book and bed at the same time every night. We never fought with them about it. It just was expected. The first time we visited family when other cousins were around, Tyler asked why he had to go to bed when everyone else stayed up. (The boys stayed up late on numerous occasions, but when they were little the lack of sleep made them cranky). I explained how important sleep was to a growing kiddo. It kept him healthier, let his body heal and helped him grow. It made sense to him and he didn't feel bad about going to bed.
As the boys grew older, the conversations changed from bedtimes to smoking, vaping, alcohol and drugs. We told them they would be tempted in many situations and to realize, ahead of time, there would be consequences for their choices. We made sure they understood they would be responsible for those consequences; if you drink under the age of 21, it is illegal. If you get arrested or do something stupid you will have multiple consequences to face. You have to decide if that is worth it to you. We talked about reaching out to us in the midst of a bad decision to not make a decision even worse; don't ever drink and drive or get in a car with someone who has been drinking and driving. EVER. Their uncles were wonderful examples of reaching out and asking for rides Our hearts ached as some of their lifelong friends began to make decisions about drinking, marijuana, vaping and smoking. The boys were faced with choosing time they spent with those friends.
We encourage them to think for themselves and not simply regurgitate something they heard; research it, understand it and have a basis for your personal belief and thoughts. We have learned as much from our boys as they have learned from us. We treasure their thoughts, and perspectives. Our ideas aren't always the same and the boys don't always agree with us, but it is done with mutual respect. To be strong in earning their wings they should develop their own thoughts, beliefs and opinions.
At 18 and 15 the boys still hug us in front of friends. They tell us they love us and actually enjoy spending time together as a family. The are good friends and depend on each other rather than hammering on each other. They stand up for what they believe in, have compassion for others and think for themselves.
After my run we headed, as a family, to SDSMT. The visit went well and we watched as Tyler asked his questions and took in everything the campus had to offer. He shook hands with coaches and professors, asked good questions, answered questions and formed his own opinion of the experience. We were so glad to be part, not to hover, but to share in his joy. When the final visit has been made and all of the options weighed Tyler will make HIS decision and we will support his decision.
During the five hour ride home I gloried in the setting sun and the chance to be together as a family. The boys were in the back, watching a childhood movie. I smiled when T asked Austin, "What does this remind you of?" Austin's answer, "Pure nostalgia." I soaked up their conversation more than usual, their back and forth thoughts on the movie, their silly comments, their friendship and love for each other. We only have months left to share these experiences with both of our boys.
Life is constant change. Each season brings joy, laughter, memories and usually a few tears. As the sun sets on this season of our life and our 18 year old begins his own seasons, we pray he continues to be the smart, talented and strong individual we raised. We encourage him to continue to make mistakes, to live life fully and to know that he always has a safe place to land.
Our hearts will ache at graduation and things will never be the same, but our joy is in knowing we raised Tyler to be his own person. He will be stronger without the shadow of mom and dad. We worked on preparing him as well as preparing ourselves for the day he is ready to spread his wings and soar.
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