Enough

Many times my writing is prompted by thoughts or feelings as I run. Today was different, I was overcome with such a strong conviction in the middle of the day to close my eyes and write. I have learned to follow those feelings. As I wrote, tears streamed down my face and my soul ached. This story is not about me, but believe we have all been in similar dark places. The desperation that comes with depression and suicide is painful and as a warning this story is raw. I'm not sure why I needed to write this, but maybe the words will speak to someone. YOU are enough.


ENOUGH
Walking up the well worn dirt trail the wind whipped around, tugging and pulling at her hair. The bite of autumn seeped into her body. Carefully watching her step through the rugged ruts she focused on reaching the top of the hill, her thoughts distant and full of discontent. The day itself echoed her feelings. It was late afternoon, with very few people on the trails. The chill having chased them all inside. Her shoulders slumped and hot tears clung to her eyelashes. She was lost. Her soul ached for some type of confirmation. Breaching the top, the wind began a new onslaught whipping her curls across her face, stinging her cheeks. Still in shorts and her favorite sweathshirt she shivered. Searching for solace she tried to take a deep breath and it caught. She couldn't seem to fill her lungs.

Sitting down she carefully set her rifle next to her. Despite the bleakness enveloping the town it still held an untainted beauty. Looking below, houses were clustered in quiet neighborhoods with streets connecting succinctly, in mostly straight lines, to the north, south, east and west. It was all very neat and tidy. Looking west the clouds were low, angry and grey, chasing across the sky engulfing other clouds in front of it. Snow was expected in the high country, which didn't come as a surprise. It was September and fair game, but she wasn't ready for it. Did it really matter, though? Next to her, the deep wood and black barrel of her rifle was a sharp contrast to the silty white dirt and faded rocks. She sighed and a tear escaped her lashes trailing down her cheek to fall onto her exposed legs. She was lost. Her heart ached.

Helplessly she wrestled with the thoughts racing through her mind, hoping for the cool salvation of logic. Trees swayed in the wind, rustling their leaves, lawns, still a vibrant shade of summer green surrounded homes and bright flowers tumbled from flowerbeds and flower pots. It all seemed a different lifetime, so far from where she sat with muted colors and an unfamiliar detachment. In this moment, her thoughts were bleak, racing on the wind; sadness, anger, darkness, worthlessness, hopelessness. These feelings were no stranger, fighting against her with each situation. Each time she wrestled the thoughts, pushing them down to the pit of her stomach and trying to move forward. Every happy thought or memory, though, was shadowed with unhappiness. She was a failure. She knew it and could feel it. More and more she struggled to get out of bed, struggled to face the day. The joy and happiness that was once an integral part of her soul escaped on the back of the wind.

Her brain fought for logic, replaying what everyone usually says when there is internal pain; you have so much to be thankful for, a roof over your head, food on your table, you have a family that loves you, even if you don't think so, tomorrow is another day, there are so many people who have it much worse. Unfortunately logic wasn't taking her past the deep seated darkness. Logical arguments didn't make sense and made her feel worse, more of a failure, as every moment of thankfulness could be blotted out. The pain and sorrow was illogical. She thought of all the conversations in situations like this, what everyone immediately said; how could that person do that? What a selfish decision. They were married and had children, how could they not think of their family?

Honestly how could she continue? The pain was so intense. Getting up was more and more difficult as her continuous failures played day after day through her mind. Her heart looked at situation after situation, moment after moment. Where did she bring worth? People she loved and invested in needed her simply to need her, not because she brought value to their lives. Her family cared, but that seemed tied more to the tasks she did than the person she was. Many times the burden of keeping up with everything drained her, especially when it seemed she couldn't do anything right. She was drained. She didn't have the strength anymore. The mask she wore hid the daily struggle, hid the circling thoughts and the constant beckoning of the darkness.

Her breathing hitched again. Absently she caressed her rifle looking around. Clouds hid the sun as they banked and tumbled over each other in every direction. The town was subdued, reflecting the weather and the rumble of traffic was lost on the wind, making cars seem like silent ghosts. Birds were hiding in trees, huddled up, not ready to feel the bite of winter or cold. Glancing up, hoping for something, she saw a lone hawk riding the wind. Wings fully spread gliding on buffeting air currents. She wondered if she would miss moments of beauty like that. In truth, it didn't matter. She brought pain to people. She was reminded often of her flaws. She knew perfection was unachievable but wished she could find some value for her life. She was always at fault, hearing her flaws recited by others; controlling, unforgiving, selfish. She could hear the quiet conversations, how each situation would have been better had SHE not been there. Those around her seemed so unhappy and just maybe they could find happiness once again. She had never been any good. What friends would miss her? She didn't really have any.

Her head ached as the darkness licked at the side of her vision and whispered quietly in her ears. The pain would be over. Escape the darkness. Be free from your failings. You don't matter anyway. Do you think they will miss you? The truth is their lives will finally begin when you are gone. You brought no legacy, no brightness to this world. You didn't touch people or make things positive. You were the problem in all of those situations. The thoughts beat at her. She fought against the pain, each time it crept closer, but she was losing. She was a failure. She had no worth. She brought nothing valuable to the world and people around her.

Tears streamed down her face without her realizing. The wind called seductively with the darkness. She tried hopelessly to draw on her faith, calling out quietly for guidance, for hope, for something to erase the darkness, help her see worth. She knew she was lacking, though. Voices, reciting all the different rules necessary to be saved, drove through her mind; regular church goer, tither, must attend this church or that church, reconciliation, baptism, must receive communion regularly, must fast, must pray, must, must, must. In darkness she didn't meet those rules, and based on those thoughts was unworthy of his love, his acceptance and his guidance. The world outlined conditions to be children of God and she didn't meet those. Scripture said the least of these and she was not the least.

People didn't understand. The void yanked happiness away. There was no light, her presence brought nothing but pain and sorrow. She sobbed. The words circled like the hawk above her, worthless, never good enough, amount to nothing, hopeless, stupid, the world will be better without you. It is your fault. Your fault. Your fault. My fault for all of it. The wretched darkness would disappear and the sun would shine brighter for everyone who knew me. I am poison. My thoughts draw out the worst and not the best. Their lives will be better and happier without me in them.

Reaching to her left she grabbed her gun. The barrel was cool, black steel to match the blackness of the day and the blackness of her heart. Life will be happier without me. Propping the gun between her knees, butt balanced in the silty dirt, she caressed the end of the barrel. Tears streaming down her face she opened her mouth. Running her hand softly down the barrel she closed her eyes and found the safety, quietly clicking it off. There was no more joy. She couldn't talk about it, she couldn't burden others, she couldn't fight the pain and sadness anymore. A cloud of darkness surrounded her waiting patiently. Awkwardly stretching her hand she reached the trigger. Wind roared in her ears, but the town below her continued. In a few seconds it would be better for them all. The clouds would leave and the sun would reappear. They would find the happiness she couldn't find. Pushing on the trigger she closed her eyes. Enough. Mouth wrapped tightly around the barrel, she felt the click and in an instant a flash ripped through her brain. Her body relaxed and the darkness lifted.  

Looking over she saw herself, or what was left. It was then she felt him. He was sitting next to her, quietly watching her. Tears were still flowing down her face. Was that possible? Her heart didn't feel the escape she hoped for. Reaching over he pulled her to him, cradling her head on his shoulder. She sobbed uncontrollably. Years of sadness and pain, years of feeling unworthy, of not meeting expectactions, years of failures and years disappointing others ran as salty rivers down her cheeks and into his robes. She cried for her decision, not knowing how she could have changed it. She cried for the burden she had left and the way her family would see her. She felt it would be one more testament to her weakness, to her unworthiness, to her flaws and imperfection.

He held her closely as she continued to cry. His heart ached when his children were lost. In moments like these, though, he could feel the anger well up as intensely as the sadness. Anger that only a parent can understand. Anger fueled by the pain and anguish of one of his children. He held her, stroking her hair, quieting the wind and willing the clicks of time to stop. He held her tightly as her body continued to be wracked with sobs. In her years he had never seen her cry so much. He knew her heart and mind, but sometimes such deep pain was hidden even from him. Sensing the end of her tears and feeling her body begin to grow heavy, he gently he pushed her up so she could see him. She kept her eyes cast down, not wanting to see the condemnation or the validation she was a failure. She felt, even in the eyes of the Lord she was worthless. How could she be anything less with the damaged shell sprawled out on the ground next to her.

His heart ached as he felt her thoughts. Tucking her hair behind her ears he looked deeply at her. You are light and your light is needed. Darkness fights against you, against all. Don't bear the burden of perfection. It is unachievable. Focus on me, focus on my gifts. You have my strength and are stronger than the weakness of humanity. ALL of my children are blesssed with my strength. It doesn't come from human based buildings, or rules and regulations, but directly from me. When the darkness whispers, look up, search for me with your heart. I am always near. There is more to your story sweet one."

The wind whistled around her and she felt the cold steel tap her teeth. Her finger was poised and pushing slowly. Moving her finger she pulled away. New tears poured from her eyes as she gingerly moved her rifle. Tapping the safety she set it back down next to her.  

Through the wind she heard the cry of the hawk, drawing her gaze up. He rode the air circling just above her, The smallest opening appeared in the clouds and the warmth of the sun kissed her upturned cheeks. She felt his hand on her shoulder and heard his voice in her heart. I love you child. You will always be enough.