Victim, Victor or Existor

 

Stepping out, I embraced the slight chill in the air. In the last week we had driven over 2,400 miles, my stress level was through the roof, my body was tired, and I didn’t feel like running. But I needed the run, my body needed the release, and I was committed to myself.

Starting out in the early morning darkness, my body immediately pushed back, feeling disjointed and wooden. As I settled into the awkwardness that would be this run, I thought about how easy it would be to make 1,000 excuses justifying why I shouldn’t be up this early running; I had already raced two 5Ks and 2 half marathons in the last week, driven over 2,400 miles, balanced health stuff and hospital visits. Not to mention I had been feeling awful for almost a year. My body had been fighting complete exhaustion. Every day I forced myself awake, battled through my run, got work finished, took care of my family, and somehow made it through the day. I constantly felt like I was swimming through oatmeal with my head encased in cotton. Clear thought was difficult and normal daily routine was a struggle. I chalked everything up to life; it had been challenging for everyone. Depression, sorrow, stress, fatigue, anxiety had become daily companions. I wasn’t vocal about how I was feeling, knowing I was responsible for me. Each morning my options are to become a victim, simply exist or become a victor in my life. 

Despite struggling every day, I did what needed to be done. This morning’s run was no exception. The familiar kiss of my shoes on the pavement helped my body warm up as I breathed in the chilly air. I was not near 100% but believed there was hope for future runs. Required bloodwork showed my autoimmune was going a little crazy, attacking and slowing my body down, causing depression, fatigue, muddled thoughts, and many other things. My levels were double the highest acceptable rate, but we will get it under control.

The miles ticked slowly by as the stars twinkled down, giving me time to think about how easy it could have been to spend the last year with a victim mentality. In life, it is easy to adopt being a victim, a victor or an existor. Sometimes we roll in and out of those three thought processes and sometimes we pour a foundation and take up residence. The difficult truth is we control, create and are responsible for the life we are living.  There are always circumstances beyond our control, but how we react to those circumstances weighs heavily in the outline of each day. A victim mentality severely prevents the ability of finding and seeing joy. There are excuses for everything and a false sense of martyrdom. Regardless of the positivity in the world or the chance to do something different, the victim mentality is always quick to point out reasons it can’t be done; too young, too old, too husky, too skinny, too sick, wrong neighborhood, wrong job, wrong family . . . It draws and thrives on negativity and self-fulfilling prophecy with the belief that nobody understands how difficult their life is. When faced with situations, a victim will settle in with a diagnosis or a life situation and view it as their “lot in life.” You can almost hear the heavy sigh and “poor me” thought process. A victim “reluctantly” enjoys sharing all the things that are wrong with them, wrong with the world, wrong with everyone and everything around them. It is easy to magnify every little problem and feel life is unfair. The victim will wallow in self-pity while putting on the “brave face of martyrdom” .         

A victim mentality would have altered the drive and discipline necessary to train over the last year. The finishes in my first four races in over two years were a direct result of the choice to not be a victim to how I was feeling. It was difficult and sometimes a painful decision to get up and run in all kinds of weather, when everyone was still in bed, running hurt, tired, frustrated, and sad. I ran despite it all, without focusing on excuses. It would be easy to slide seamlessly into victim mode as the world is great at enabling that mentality. I chose, almost daily, not to be a victim. As my steps tapped over the quiet streets, I acknowledged I didn’t want a victim lifestyle nor did I want to simply exist.

Years streak by in a life of existence, and we wake up one day wondering what happened. Existors get up, go to work, get married, have kids, pay the bills, attend the events day after day without truly being engaged. There is no desire to do anything other than what comes next until the journey has ended. It is easy to get caught in a routine that promotes simple existence. Days pass and all of a sudden you wonder, where the last 20 years went, wonder how the kids are already grown and feel as if you missed it all. Memories don’t stand out and everything seems blurred together. In fact, there are few memories other than the daily grind. Everything is done as just the next step or what is expected.  Over the last year it was difficult for me not to fall into just existing. To fight the overwhelming desire to go through the motions required me to be deliberate in my actions. I chose to stop and say good morning to the deer on my run and pause during the day to be thankful for all the blessings surrounding me. Admittedly many runs I have not been fully present, just a conscious thought when I finish and turn off my tracker off. Sometimes those runs are necessary, sometimes those moments are necessary, but life is too precious to make it a habit.

All of us at one point or another will sway into victim, victor or existor, but when you look at your life, what do you see? Are you going through the motions or does bad stuff always seem to happen to you? Does it feel as if you are stuck? How do you get out if you want to leave that lifestyle behind? What prompts you to search for something better, demand something better from yourself and to put in the work to get something better?

Moving into a joyous, victorious lifestyle takes difficult and serious inner self reflection. It takes being completely, brutally and painfully honest with yourself. Begin by asking pointed questions. Do people enjoy being around you and talking to you? Do conversations with you begin and end with your latest difficulty? Do people’s eyes glaze over or do they cut conversations short with you? When you talk to other people, do you listen to what they have to say, or do you interrupt wanting to share things from your perspective? Are you interested in what is happening in their life or is it more about yours? If you are battling different things in your life, what have you done about it? Are you doing things to help make your health or life better? Are you finding positive solutions to what is going on or do you simply just accept? Have you found yourself going through week after week after week without many distinguishing thoughts between them? Are your memories of events fuzzy? Have you done anything spontaneous or stopped to smell the roses? Have you paused in a moment and absorbed it or were you just present? Do you remember the last time you truly felt happiness or joy? These are critical, honest questions that will help you see a  need for change.

The world is incredible and wonder filled with beauty in every corner.  Each day the sun rises and bathes the land in golden light. Warm summer days bring green grass, brilliant colors, beautiful flowers, shorts, dark skin, popsicles, children playing outside and joy. Every season, when you choose to look, has miraculous gifts. Evolving into a victorious life begins with gratitude for these gifts.  Gratitude for a run, even if it is a bad run. Gratitude for each situation regardless of how difficult it may be. Gratitude for the things in life that can be overlooked, a roof over our heads, food on the table, sunshine, flowers, hugs, another day. Whatever it may be, gratitude begins the journey.

As I continued to whittle away the miles, choosing to be thankful for the run, I thought about the victor. What does living a life of victory look like? Of course, I imagine a runner coming across the finish line, arms held high, a combination of pain and exhilaration on their face. But victor is so much more, victor is living a life of gratitude, embracing each moment, living with purpose, remaining positive through the most difficult times, exploring, and experiencing what this world has to offer. Living victoriously is different for everyone, but the common factor is being on purpose, choosing to create the best life possible and having gratitude.  

One of life’s greatest gifts is we can change anytime we want and choose how our next paragraph or chapter will look. We can’t change the beginning of the story, but we can change how it ends. We may have created a life of existence or morphed into a victim mentality, but we don’t have to stay there. We can move whenever we choose knowing there is always room in the victorious lane. Wake up daily and choose to recognize that life is a true and wondrous gift. Go for the walk you have been talking about, take the first step to a better lifestyle. Be the driving force in creating your best life. Choose to make lasting memories, on purpose. Be a positive influence on those around you. Victory lies in the simple pleasures, a smile, a quiet question, a hug, even a bright blue sky. A victorious life can be anything you want it to be.

I push the final half mile of my run, still wooden and awkward, but celebrating the finish. Tapping off my tracker I blow the stars a kiss, and smile.   I am thankful for the hope of feeling better, thankful to be able to run when others can’t, thankful for a gorgeous morning, bright stars and the solitude to gather strength for the day. I choose today and every day to create my victorious life, a life of joy and gratitude.