Butterfly

Unlocking the front door and stepping out into the darkness, the heavy air enveloped me. Cuing my music to low, I stepped out of Just Breathe for my last morning run at this address. Houses were dark, corners softened in the lazy, muggy morning.  Heading west my tie dye shoes contrasted with the black, wet asphalt. I let my legs ease into the short run, soaking in every house, every black and grey cloud, every single moment. A heavy, misty rain began to fall flashing like tiny diamonds in the streetlights. Wind scurried in from the Atlantic, tossing drops across the path, splashing me as I ran. It was glorious.

Finding my rhythm, I began to think about the last few days, the culmination of work that started a long time ago. My soul was healing and the static that usually filled my mind was quiet. I knew in my heart this was the final stop on this road of my journey. For years I have wandered, struggling with direction, feeling powerless at times and in a constant state of chaos. The last eight months magnified the feelings. My mind has been working overtime to free my soul and find direction.

As my body warmed up, I smiled out of sheer pleasure. My pace was slow, imprinting every aspect of my surroundings, feeling the humidity on my skin, and listening to the song of the Atlantic. In the rows of sleeping beach homes, a few broke through the darkness with warm lights. Cars were running with open trunks as they loaded bags preparing to leave. I empathized as I knew I would be doing the same thing in 8 hours. This was my last run on the island.

Four days ago, after arriving, I said hello, dropped my bag, and ventured to the beach. I savored the feel of the sand between my toes, the sound of the waves crashing and the distant cry of the sea birds. The clouds were building on the horizon as the water became choppy with white caps. Rain was coming and I embraced the heavy, wet, warm air. Enjoying the freedom of exploring, I watched the sand, kicking shells over until I found a tiny shell, shaped like a butterfly. It spoke to me more than any other shells that littered the beach. Carrying it carefully in my hand, I protected it as the sky decided to open up and cleanse the beach.  I smiled like a crazy person as the rain soaked me. I was truly getting a fresh, clean start.

My toes danced with the road, as I realized how deeply the butterfly shell spoke to my journey.  For years I have felt like the sluggish caterpillar, wandering in search, but not quite sure what I was searching for. I would shed versions of myself as I grew and changed, but I always seemed to be searching. Fear shaped decisions and life-long insecurities dictated the woman I saw every morning in the mirror. Time continued to pass as I existed, fighting fears, battling darkness, but showing up and doing what needed done.

Two years ago, I moved from the wandering caterpillar to the protected, hidden, and isolated chrysalis. I retreated from the noise, the anger, the sadness, the darkness, I retreated from all of it to protect my heart. The shell formed, protection against the storms of life that battered incessantly. Eight months ago, the storms reached a pitch that couldn’t be ignored.

The morning embraced me while my footsteps echoed in the quiet. I thought about the last few days on Emerald Isle. I arrived, seemingly protected in my chrysalis, with only small cracks left from storms and my feeble attempts to break free. I understood like real butterflies we need to experience our own breakthrough. If someone else removes our shell before we are ready, we are left with crippled wings, unable to fly. If we don’t tackle the strength of the shell and the issues we hide from on our own, then we could be locked in the chrysalis for eternity. My body tingled as I realized the time spent this week reflecting, thinking, sharing, discovering, and reacting were my final stages. The aha moments cast off the remaining pieces, freeing my soul.

Dodging large puddles, I smiled while the ocean wind tugged at my ponytail. The run was perfect, challenging my body and mind. Courage led me down this path, to this island and to the beautiful souls who had risked, just like me, to search for more, to find more and to realize our greatest power lies deep within our hearts. We searched the depths to shed our fears and find the strong, beautiful, independent women we were meant to be. Each of us stepped into this environment not knowing what to expect but hoping for transformation. Our souls are forever forged by a situation that terrified, overwhelmed, and left us trembling with raw emotion. Their stories shaped me, touched me, and made me acutely aware of how broken we could become. I was broken.

Turning around and heading back I savored every step knowing today was the last day, the last run and the last few moments before things changed. My thoughts were interrupted as a shadow crossed in front of me. Glancing over a buck stood, quiet, still and observing in the pre-dawn darkness. Antlers rose regally above his ears as he watched me. My heart soared as I whispered good morning. My steps were lighter realizing this was the perfect culmination to my run.

Finishing up I quietly entered the house. Leaving my shoes in my room I mounted the stairs and headed to the beach to cool down. The beautiful Atlantic was waiting for me. She was churned up this morning sneaking further up the beach, leaving shells scattered through the sand. Would she miss my heart song as I walked the beach after my run? Would she miss covering my toes in surf and sand and splashing me with errant waves?  Listening to her aria, I kicked the sand and danced in the waves. Glancing down I saw another butterfly shell, this one lighter in color than my first. How fitting. I broke free, standing like a new butterfly, wings crumpled, wet and waiting. As I welcomed the cleansing rain and walked along the beach, strength coursed through my wings.

One final look at the beautiful Atlantic as she rolled in and out, pulling the sand and the shells, changing, churning, and giving life. My journey led me here, to this moment, to this time to find the final pieces. My wings are ready, my soul is at rest, my heart is calm, and I found the truest version of me. Blowing a kiss to the Atlantic I stepped toward my future.